What Hiking Taught Me
Rediscovering yourself on the trails is possible.
Over the years I struggled with envy, resentment, and distrust towards women. I only pursued male friendships and instilled trust in men.
“Why?”, You ask.
I’ve dealt with an internal struggle for several years after my mom left my family when I was 12 and I only trusted that my brother and my dad wouldn’t abandon me.
“Get over it,” you say.
I couldn’t - my mom left my dad, my brother and I because she was sick of the role as mom, wife, and adult. She wanted to be selfish, and she wanted to live this fantasy she construed in her mind of what it was like to live without these responsibilities. It took me a long time till I was in my 20’s to relate or understand how my mom felt at that time.
None of us are perfect, as much as we strive to be in certain aspects of our lives. I believe it’s the imperfections about us that build our personalities and characteristics that our loved ones and friends cherish about us.
My mom wasn’t perfect, but I knew she loved me. She wanted me to have the things she never had, and she wanted me to be happy. When I reflect on my mother’s journey in life, I don’t think she ever really knew who she was. I think she had an idea of who she wanted to be and lived through the eyes of others. I hope wherever she is now that she’s passed away, that my mom has found peace and feels right in her skin.
What is feeling “right” in your skin anyways?
I feel as though some people search all their lives for this and I must admit I think I finally found it. Over the years I have moved a lot. I’ve pursued several careers. I’ve been in different relationships, and I’ve struggled to find a healthy balance with everything.
However, when I moved to California alone I found contentment, and I could finally see myself growing into the woman my mom would be proud of. More importantly, the type of woman I could be proud of. When I was able to feel comfortable being alone, I felt clarity and a strong sense of feeling “right.” When I regained my independence and confidence is when I started to feel my best.
How did I do this?
A lot of trial and error. A lot of tears. A lot of uncomfortable situations. First, it was letting go of companionship. I didn’t need to be in a relationship to find comfort. I exited a relationship that was stifling and enabling mentally and physically. I lost my identity and who Hannah really was.
I was always independent and self-reliant before this relationship, and I found myself growing unhappy and losing my purpose because he took care of everything. I no longer had to struggle. I no longer had to fight for what I wanted because everything was made so easy for me. I was privileged in a way; being in a comfy relationship, where I could sit back and let this person take care of everything.
Some people are okay with that; I’m not.
Once I let go of this relationship, I was able to focus on me and what I wanted. I was able to learn while I struggled to figure myself out. I suddenly found myself on my friends futon in West Hollywood, living in her living room and commuting 4 hours a day to a new job.
Now, I never said this transition was smooth. However, without the support of my female friends. Without the push my friends gave me, and my mission to live my best life in memory of my mom, I don’t think I would be where I am now. Once I finally got my apartment and built a home, I needed to find something besides work that kept me busy. I needed something else besides a day job to give me a purpose. I wanted something besides material things, men, and parties to provide me with happiness.
One of my co-workers was a prior Sierra Club leader and was well versed in the outdoors. I often heard him sharing his hiking adventures with the office, and I shared my interest in learning about what trails he often hiked.
Suddenly, I found myself on one of those trails alone and exploring, enjoying the solitude and pushing myself physically to go the extra mile - literally.
So, I got myself a new day-pack, a new hydration pack, some new hiking boots that didn’t have dust on them from 4 years ago and I joined a local hiking club to explore the area and meet like-minded people. During these hikes I explored some of the most beautiful peaks Southern California offers and met some great people.
“Get to the point, Han.”
I have a new found passion - hiking. This passion pushed me to start training so I could hike further and higher. My body suddenly turned into a valuable asset, and I wanted to start taking better care of it. I began eating healthier, working out more and feeling good in my skin. When you start to feel good about yourself, it resonates in all aspects of your life - friendships, relationships, work and home life. Hiking helped with everything. Hiking is what got me on the right track to be comfortable with my new found independence, and it helped me build my confidence and put myself in new situations with new people. Hiking helped me regain stability and a healthy mindset, and hiking helped me meet the right people.
Coming full circle now - sometimes you need all the bullshit in life to happen to get where you want. Sometimes you need a hobby to introduce you to the right people. The right friends. The right partners.
Hiking did that for me, and I’m pretty stoked about it. Hiking introduced me to so many bad-ass women, and it helped me appreciate my existing female friendships more. The women in my life have shown me that I can confide in them and that it’s okay to be vulnerable and to mess up. It’s a lesson I’m glad I finally learned - because these women’s strength and encouragement helped me through my journey and they helped me morph into the person I want to be and I’m proud to be.
